Recharging the batteries.

This post was written in real time on a day I took as my day of rest. I don’t have a writing schedule, I simply write and add it to my list to post next. So far, I have enjoyed how God leads me to writing and eventually I publish it! 

The post below was written on August 13th. 

“Today is my day off. It started well. I woke up, had my morning prayer, went on my walk and made my two morning daily calls to my mom and my son Joe. I listened to more of my friend Zenja's audio book from her book “Necessary”. Funny enough, the next chapter was all about resting. I took my son to an appointment, picked up my 3 piece Chick-Fil-A chicken tenders that I have been craving for a few days. I came home and ate it. The chicken was good but I was a little disappointed with the fries. They were not that fresh. I got ready to have a virtual doctor appointment. After all was done, I sat on my deck.

Part of enjoying my day off was to sit outside for a while. Although it was hot, the occasional breeze made it okay. 

As I sat on the deck my mind was wondering. Scrolling through social media sounds good, there is a comedian I love and am excited to go see him in person next month. I know however it’s not what I want to do for my rest time. So I sat looking at the sky and I was compelled to write. So here I go, not sure where this will go but I trust that God will lead me to where He wants my reflection to be at this very moment…

I think about how we are born and have no idea what our lives will be like. We enter with a blank slate that gets molded by external circumstances. My parents to begin with, they did the best they could, but sadly the example they had from their own child experiences left them unprepared to navigate the complexity of raising children. Unconsciously, their own struggles, fears, disappointments… led them to parent from those places; and well, you can imagine how the parenting styles that were used because of unhealed wounds were not healthy. I know this to be true, because it happened to me in parenting my own children. There are scars left from my unhealthy parenting. 

At one point I started joking that I should start saving for the therapy my kids will need from all that I did wrong. 

I absolutely love my mom with all my heart. I would not have admitted that in my young adult years because I was blinded by pain, hurt and bitterness; but she is the strongest person I know. She is my hero because she is someone who sees where she went wrong and accepts it. I do a lot publicly and I have asked her several times to let me interview her, as I believe she can help others who are in domestic abusives situations to make the choice to walk away for themselves and for their children. 

Sadly, my dad because of his deep struggle with mental health, also parented in unhealthy and harmful ways. However, I loved my dad dearly and I am immensely grateful that God redeemed him and allowed him to experience healing. He savored  his new life in Christ before he died. 

Thinking of my parents in my 54 years of life, I don’t see them as people that hurt me, but people from whom I learned many life lessons. 

Then there were other influences in my life, I think of school and my peers. At times your peers can be so cruel and you grow up with insecurities from that environment which can sometimes take a while to work through the damage. 

I remember a time in gym class where we were supposed to hold hands to form a circle but the kid next to me did not want to hold my hand. According to him, I was very dark and not pretty. But that’s not all I remember of that moment, because it was a real life experience where it reminds you that heroes can show up and rescue you. My teacher saw this and said,  "Well I will hold her hand!” A priceless moment that meant a lot to me. 

I was never athletic. I hated gym class. The only reason I passed was because the end of class project was 50% of the grade and I nailed it. The fact that I currently exercise blows my mind away, never in a million years would I have imagined that. 

So many things compete to mold you and shape you and for me, I allowed a lot of the things I didn’t want to shape me. I beacame a person shaped by outside forces, adopting shameful behaviors that were filled with regrets. 

Still filled with regrets, I got married and I had children, and they lit up my world. They became the very thing that makes life worth living. They make me get up in the morning. They make me want to be my best. 

I later realized there is joy in parenthood, but there are also heartaches. There is joy in marriage, but there are also heartaches; so I had to learn (and continue to work on it) to not allow them to be the source of all my joy. I can choose to let them fill me with joy but don’t make them the anchor for it. After all, they will disappoint me and I will disappoint them. This is not an easy goal to achieve and I am grateful when I have victories in this area.

So what is left? There is a “baby” in me that craves to be molded the “right way”.  So I turn to God. Why? Because He created me and the fact is I can’t do anything about the outside forces of the past or present but I can do something about the forces inside me, the ones God has placed. 

The fruits of the Spirit are  love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23), … I can choose to be molded by that. I can choose them to be my decision maker, my guide, my compass. This is not easy because the mold in which I was formed is hard to break out of. But I can do it, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. So I will let one of them guide me right now. For the rest of my day I will choose peace. I will choose to put in a box all that wants to invade my day of rest and I will enjoy my day. It’s a good day to have a rest day!” 

As I read this over before posting it, I think of the wonderful day I ended up having the rest of the day. I watched movies, blasted music and simply enjoyed my day. I truly enjoyed the rest of my day of rest!

“Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.” Genesis 2:3

Have a blest day!